Now Available: The Certified Organic Human™ Stamp

Apparently, we’ve reached the point where writing too well can get you accused of using artificial intelligence.

Use an em dash?

AI.

Write short paragraphs?

AI.

Leave whitespace between sentences?

Definitely AI.

Proper grammar? Suspicious.

No spelling mistakes? Clearly a robot.

And God forbid you organize your thoughts into something coherent. There’s no possible way a human being could have accomplished that without ChatGPT.

Welcome to the age of the AI Detective.

These self-appointed investigators roam social media looking for telltale signs that someone used artificial intelligence. The problem is that many of the things they’re identifying as “AI writing” existed decades before AI started generating content.

Short sentences existed.

Whitespace existed.

Copywriters used one-sentence paragraphs.

Authors used em dashes.

People created lists.

Writers asked rhetorical questions.

And humans occasionally managed to spell every word correctly.

AI didn’t invent these things.

AI learned them from us.

Which makes the whole exercise rather ridiculous.

Humans Are Now Trying to Write Worse

But we’ve somehow managed to make it even more absurd.

I’ve watched people purposely insert grammatical errors, misspell words, avoid certain punctuation, and change their natural writing style because they’re afraid someone will accuse them of using AI.

Think about that.

For generations, teachers, editors, publishers, and employers told us to improve our writing.

Proofread your work.

Fix your spelling.

Use proper grammar.

Organize your thoughts.

Communicate clearly.

Now?

“Quick! Misspell something so people know you’re human!”

We’ve reached a point where competence itself can apparently be considered evidence of artificial intelligence.

Which gave me an idea.

Introducing Certified Organic Human™

That’s right.

You can now proudly display the Certified Organic Human™ stamp.*

Finally, definitive proof that your thoughts were produced by a genuine, free-range human being.

No synthetic intelligence.

No factory-farmed ideas.

No artificially generated opinions.

Just wholesome, locally sourced human thought.

Depending upon your particular level of humanity, several certifications may eventually be available.

100% Organic Human™

Absolutely no artificial intelligence was used in creating your content.

Your ideas were grown naturally inside your skull using traditional methods passed down through generations.

Human Assisted™

Artificial intelligence may have been involved somewhere in the process, but don’t worry.

A human actually had the original thought.

Free-Range Writer™

Your ideas were allowed to roam freely before eventually being corralled into paragraphs.

No restrictive prompts.

No content cages.

Just thoughts wandering around until something useful happened.

Non-GMO Prose™

Absolutely no Grammatically Modified Output.

Every sentence has been raised according to traditional grammatical practices.

Unless we screwed one up.

In which case, that’s additional proof we’re human.

Locally Sourced Opinions™

Every opinion was created within 50 feet of the person claiming to have it.

No imported hot takes.

No outsourced outrage.

No mass-produced thought leadership.

Certified Imperfect™

Contains naturally occurring spelling mistakes, punctuation errors, awkward sentences, and the occasional word that makes absolutely no fucking sense.

Perfect for anyone who needs undeniable proof that AI couldn’t possibly have been involved.

AI Detective Approved™

Our highest level of human certification.

To qualify, your writing must contain at least three typos, two questionable commas, one unnecessary apostrophe, and a sentence so poorly constructed that readers have to go back and read it twice.

Congratulations.

You’re definitely human.

Probably.

Certification Does Not Guarantee Your Content Is Any Good

Naturally, every Certified Organic Human™ stamp would come with an important disclaimer:

Certification does not guarantee that the content is interesting, intelligent, useful, accurate, entertaining, or worth reading.

Because that’s the part everyone seems to be missing.

I don’t particularly care whether someone used AI to help write something.

I care whether the finished product is worth my time.

Did you have an interesting idea?

Did you bring your own experience to it?

Did you have a point of view?

Did you teach me something?

Did you make me laugh?

Did you make me think?

Did you give me a reason to keep reading?

Those questions matter infinitely more than whether you used an em dash.

AI can produce terrible content.

Humans can produce terrible content.

AI can help create something insightful.

Humans can create something insightful.

The tool isn’t the ultimate measure of quality.

The result is.

And deliberately making your writing worse just so strangers on the Internet won’t accuse you of using AI might be the most artificial thing of all.

So stop worrying about whether your writing looks sufficiently human.

Have something worth saying.

Say it in your own voice.

Use whatever tools make you better.

And if some AI Detective still doesn’t believe you?

Just show them your shiny new Certified Organic Human™ stamp.

That should settle it.

Probably.

---

*The Lawyers-Made-Me-Say-This Disclaimer

Certified Organic Human™ stamps, certifications, badges, certification levels, Free-Range Writer designations, AI Detective approvals, and all other wonderfully ridiculous products described in this article are satire and are not actually available for purchase or certification.

At least not yet.

Because after writing this article, I’m starting to think I might actually be onto something.