Hello, thank you for calling XYZ co

Can I get your name.
{so I give them my name}

Sir, that name is not on file.

Me: Of course it isn’t, the account is in my business name.

Okay we will look up the account based on number you are calling on.

Me: Why?

Sir, hang on please while I look up your account.

Me: Grr

Sir, that number doesn’t match our files.

Me: Yes, well you’re just following the script.

Sir what is your phone number?

Me: How about I just give you the account number?

I think we can look up your account that way.

{so I rattle off the account number}
{call taker finds my account}

Sir is your ship to address __________?

Me: yes

And your billing address ___________?

Me: That’s correct

Okay how can I help you?

Me: I would like to order _________

Sir, that is a different department, I will transfer you now.
{1970’s disco music plays while on hold}

{Call Taker #2 with a deep smokers voice comes on the line.}

Sir, may I have your name?

Me: For the love of Pete, I already gave the first person my information.

Sir, humor me.

Me: A Priest, A Rabbi and The President walk into a bar

Sir, I don’t understand.

Me: never mind

Sir, can I have your name please
{I Give my name}

Sir, that name doesn’t show up in my system.


Sir, I will need to transfer you to another department as your name is not being found.

Me: I don’t want to live anymore, just shoot me please.

Sir, I assure the next department can help you.

{Call Taker #3 with a thick foreign accent comes on the line.}

Sir, may I have your name?

Me: NO! I’ve already told all my information to 2 other people, go find them and get the notes from them.

Sir, I am in a separate department, on a different floor.

Me: Run Forest Run

Sir, I don’t think you understand the distance between departments.

Me: Does it look like I care at this point.

Sir, what you’re asking will take time.

Me: Well I’ve already spent 10 minutes dealing with idiots so while you are hunting down who you need to talk to I will be water boarding myself to pass the time.

Sir, can I just transfer you to someone else.

Me: Don’t you dare.
{beep, beep, beep….click}

He hung up.

Anspach Media | Website | + posts

Rob is affectionately known as “Mr. Sarcasm” to his friends - to everyone else he’s a Certified Digital Marketing Strategist, a Foremost Expert On Specialized SEO, a Best Selling Author, Podcaster, Speaker and Authority Broadcaster who can help amplify YOU to your audience.

Rob has authored, coauthored or produced over 40 books covering social media, search engine optimization, podcasting, copywriting, personal injury law, weight loss, military law, life lessons, scams, sarcasm, customer service and more. His book clients include lawyers, speakers, doctors, real estate professionals and more.

Rob is also host of The E-Heroes Interview Series available on Apple, Amazon, Google Play, Stitcher, Spotify & many other podcast channels. Rob works inside corporations across the globe, helping companies generate new revenue and capture online business.

Rob is also available to share talks and give interviews. To learn more and to get started visit www.AnspachMedia.com or call Anspach Media at (412)267-7224 today.